It's Ok

 I was called a lot of different things today. Liar, trifelent, retarded, stupid, the list goes on. How do I feel about it? Um...meh? I guess I've grown use to it. Abused, falsely accused, lied on, robbed, talked about, bullied, this is another list that goes on and on. Since late last year I've been fussed at over OTHER folks actions. I'll say it's a bit annoying, just a bit. 

What am I going to do? Just do what I'm supposed to, best I can. I'm at a point where I'm fully focused on my child, then myself. There's so much anger, violence, depression, anxiety, hostility and misery amongst people around me. I want no parts. We all need therapy. Seriously.

Also, no one will talk me into signing shit ever again I didn't totally agree with it. If I explained myself the way I did to me, I wouldn't have made me do it. But that's all part of "that's what you get" I guess. Anyone and I mean ANY one who feels they can say anything bad about me has done some of the worst things to me. And yet, forgiveness is a wonderful thing. I can't possibly forget though. I've tried. However I can say I got to a place where I don't regularly think of negative, bad, wrong things done by people. It has free my mind and filled my heart with peace and love. There's less than a handful of folk that would say shit about me. They'd make some of it up, but I wouldn't deny any true parts. It's not too hard for me to say yes I did say that, yes I did do that. All grown folk should be able to hold themselves accountable. 

I'm able to let people think and feel what they want about me. I can understand why some one would speak horribly when they're in terrible situations. I guess it's easy to take frustrations out on me or say harsh things to me. That kind of stuff makes my heart race because my mind sees it as mean and negative, so I don't partake. Have I before? Yeah. I used to do that exact thing. That's why I'm not mad about it much now. You scream in my face because you're mad? I'm sorry you feel mad. At me? I'm very sorry. It's not my intent to cause that. I'm not even on that revenge shit anymore. It always made me feel bad and upon late 20s I just quit it. Hurt people, hurt people. But healing people? We hit different. 

History is repeating itself. Some of the behaviors of people I currently know, are mirroring what I've witnessed before. Behaviors that caused family to have to do these same things with them. I had hoped it'd be avoided. Yet, whoop here it is.

I wish no ill on any body. I don't even think that way. Certain situations came about that made certain people behave in messy ways. I get it though. I don't like it, but I do sympathize it. The people talking bad about me now have done it before. They needed my help and I helped any way. It's ok for me to get tired at some point though. And even then, the start of this sentence reins true.

I just wish everyone had themselves together. I also wish the best for everyone even the ones who don't wish it for me. It's all going to be alright. God is in control.