2004

 This year marks 20 years since the last time I was sane lol

It's honestly sad but I realized this while talking with my sister and I'm glad we both can laugh. I think we did pretty phuqing good for having been sad and heart broken this long. But damn there's some shit I just really wish didn't happen. 

I say I'm ok, because I am. Deep down though, the past still has a strong affect in me. Summer 2025 will be 20 years since the worst time of my life. FUCK. 

The lack of understanding of my situation is probably what bothers me most. Of course I'm screwed up yo, I had to bury my twin. That's after seeing her death with my own two eyes. Momma looked like me laying in that casket. Especially now since I'm older. I wish I had done all the stuff I should've did to make things way better now. I still ask, why did that even have to happen!? WHY WHY WHY!?!!!!!?????!!!!!! 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺

The anger, the sadness, the anxiety everyone is experiencing. I can't help but think we wouldn't deal with these things if momma was here. The rage and craziness of last year dribbling over into a new year. I had really hoped that wouldn't happen. Being an empath, it's very hard to deal with. 

When I say I want everyone to experience love, peace, joy I mean it. I'm choosing to be understanding. I'd like it back, but I get it that not everyone gets it. Some people can't or don't put themselves in someone else's shoes. I'm so good to people. And listen, I'll keep being that be I get it back or naw. One things for sure though, I will NOT be taken advantage of, talked down to or treated like shit. Phuqalluhdat'. 

I'm a grown ass woman that has A LOT of growing to do for sure. Water me or leave me alone. The changes are happening, give me some phuqing time. I wish things got better over night. That's unrealistic. Heh and as someone who did self destructive things to escape reality, I should phuqing know. I'm piecing back the pieces of my mind that I may find peace of mind. Please, read the first sentence of this post again. I turn 32 in 9 days. Think about that. I make no excuses for my behaviors over the years. Give me some credit though. I didn't get strung out, drunk, commit crimes, treat people like crap, damage things, none of that. No judgement to people who did after they witnessed tragedy. Sometimes I think maybe I should've did all the shit I thought to. The worst things I did was give up, load up on self loathe and stopped thinking clearly. I'll say though, it's very difficult to think clearly when dealing with trauma and anxiety. 

But aye, I'm going to get things right. Cheer me on. I'm doing a lot better. Recognize it. I don't point out everything someone is doing wrong. Oh I did it before, as my get back. You learn as you age though, no one wins that way. I spend my time wanting the best for everyone. I'm rooting for everyone. I honestly love everyone. God, please help us in all the ways we need it. I want to win. I've lost so much. Can I win now?? I want the victory. I deserve to be happy.

Please God, I want us all to be happy 🙏🏽