It's For the Child(ren)

 I can feel myself letting things get to me. Like I literally set it down in my mind and focus on it, though I think to let it slide before hand. Strong minded people still can get mentally tired af. My mind runs all day, all night. It's built for it, but even the most intelligent individuals can experience burnout in this regard.

Tuh and not to mention some people find me challenged. I am. But they're so mean and misunderstanding with it...on purpose. I'm neurodivergent at best. I tell myself, you aren't 16 anymore. No more giving up because something gets hard. It had become habitual over the years though. Bad habits are very difficult to break. 

Someone anonymously asked me am I lying a lot? I answered quickly but that Q has sat with me. WHY was that asked? Does it seem like that's what I'm doing? ...Am I and I'm just not noticing it? 

I started this year off feeling quite good about myself. I mean I was HIGH on me. Now? It seems like I wasn't supposed to. I never aim to make anyone feel bad. But it's happening to me. Ask them what did I do to them directly that is evil and warrants it from them towards me? Did I make mistakes and cause them a misfortune in some kind of way? Yes. What I did I do? I apologize and fixed it best I could. Did they do the same to me when they caused me a misfortune? Honestly, no. Yet I still don't and never will hate them for it. And I am not and will not actively mistreat them over it. 

It's basically my fault Lisa has to deal with CHD. Do you think she's going to be rude, malicious and disrespectful to me every single day for mistakes I made? Some of the stuff I myself go through was because of my momma not knowing that certain things would lead to hardship. I never ever hated her for it. When I grew up and realized these things I didn't even feel anger towards her. I chose understanding. If she knew, she would've did many things very differently. She did not purposely cause any of the things some of her mistakes affected us for. But I feel it ever so strongly that some people think that's exactly what I did. I truly, honestly didn't. I didn't even know about CHD or that diabetic mothers often have high risk ailment children. Where's the love and understanding towards me? 

Yes I could be doing better. I'm trying very hard. There's some things that people who care about me (or should) should factor in when it comes to my decisions and behaviours. I am NOT excusing shit that I did or said that I shouldn't have. I have no problem apologizing. It's not hard for me to fix what I caused to break unless I just simply cannot do it at the time. Me not paying attention to something caused you to lose money? I pay you back. My kid broke your device because the split second I turn my back she got her hands on it? I buy another one. Something I said that I really thought would be helpful was hurtful instead? I say I'm sorry and mean it because that's not my intentions. I get it though, some times it's hard for others to think things thoroughly and clearly when they're angry or despondent. If you turn a negative thought in your head over and over you aren't going to behave in a positive way towards yourself or others. Keep in mind some people feel it's far easier to treat those around them like crap than themselves. They convince them self that a lot of there issues that arise from their thinking, actions, not paying attention and/or irresponsibilities are because of others. 

It's easy to attack me and blame me. I'm the nice one, the generous one, the tolerate one, the overly helpful, trusting and loving one. For now that is. If I keep to myself and leave everyone alone I'm a bitch. But shit I like bitches. They seem to deal with less stress and bullshit from folk. Ehh I won't ever be full on bitchy. Witchy though? lol

At the end of the day I'm still going to be Jessica. I'm still going to do my best, make the best of things and wish the best for everyone. Be it they fwm or not. You hate me? God bless you. You love me? Thank you, I love you too. I will always love every one. It's just my nature. Ain't finna change my natural state to please any mf'er. Df!?

One of these days, I'll go live in my cave on the side of mountains. Lisa and I will thrive their. Anyone that gaf about us will see us. For now? I'll focus on my child who gives me the most recognition for the great person I am. Thank You God for my little beauty. It's not her job to bring me joy, but she does it anyway 😄❤️❤️❤️